MIA

Dear Suzie....

I thought about quitting. It's been a rough few days. I can't talk now.
Life is demanding. And it's HARD to keep this blog a secret.....

I am going to the gym tonight, even though I would rather go eat some onion rings dipped in gravy. Period cravings SUCK......

More later...when I am not so bitchy.....

crap

Dear Suzie...

it's been a week since I've written.

I almost gave up.

I am a little depressed.

Been fighting with my husband. My kids are not helping out and I feel like I am on my own.

I am exhausted and don't feel like I am doing enough.

Oh, and I ate like a f'ing pig this week. The excuse? One of my kids' birthday. Like that justifies undoing ALL of my sacrifices. I am so mad that I could just throw something.......

I feel like I am carrying me AND my husband. We both work. My hours are more flexible (I freelance) and this SUPPOSEDLY means I have more time. Tell any mom with kids and laundry that she has more time. Ha! Would it kill him to fix a meal or two? Or even CLEAN THE KITCHEN?????

I am having a hard time getting things done, the laundry, the meals, my workout, helping kids with homework......I can FEEL myself slipping into a depression.

And you know what comforts me when I am blue?

I just want some freakin' comfort.....!!!!!

So instead of sitting here, whining some more, I'm going to get up off of my sizable ass and go to the gym. What I really want is to go through the drive through and buy something crunchy and salty and just INHALE it......

Crap..........

Emotional Eating....

Oh Dear Suzie.....

You're going to be so disappointed in me.

I cheated. I have been so good. And I threw that out the window....

You wanna know what it was that was my downfall? (don't laugh...)

A HUGE bowl of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes . Damn cereal was SCREAMING my name.


It's probably at this point that I should reveal that I, like so many millions of women (and men)...I am an emotional eater. Have a had day? Eat a bowl of ice cream. Have a fight with your sweetie? Crunch an entire family size bag of chips.

I know that it's not THE WORST cheat there is. I could have totally downed a greasy double jalapeno cheeseburger WITH FRIES. But I didn't. I ate corn flakes. With consequently have no fat...It's the damn sugar.

Sugar is my crack.....and just eating that small bowl has wrecked me. I tried to throw it up to no avail. I feel awful. Let that be a lesson.

I am so pissed at myself. I let myself down. Probably set myself up for a weight gain. ARGH!!!
I threw the box away. My kids didn't understand why I was kicking the trashcan.

I can do this......I can. But will I allow myself ANY errors? I dunno...

you big turkey

Dear Suzie...........

Am I a complete dork? (don't answer that.....) I can't WAIT for the season finale tonight. Those people INSPIRE me. When I don't want to do one more second of cardio, I think of how far they've come and I think: I can do this, too. For myself and for my family....

And tonight only, Tuesday, May 12, you can go to JennieO.com and get a $5.00 off coupon for Jennie-O Turkey products. During tonight's finale of The Biggest Loser on NBC at 8:00pm, Jennie-O will give out 25,000 coupons online. I like their lean ground turkey and use it in place of ground beef in lots of recipes.

Set your clock--and plan to go to the JennieO website tonight for some free turkey! While you're there, you can also sign up to receive the Savor Flavor booklet, which also includes the coupon.

You KNOW I'll be signing up...I make some mean turkey meatballs. Some diet food I can't handle....like cauliflower. Gag me.....but I love broccoli. Go figure.

I wish I knew if ANYONE was reading this. I feel alone....Alone with my fat and my determination. So if you're reading, SPEAK UP....

Now, I am off to the gym before my kids get home. One of the lil buggers didn't believe that I went yesterday while he was at school. They're keeping me honest.

the grind.....I'm in it

Dear Suzie.....

Out of all the photos I use on this lil old blog, this one probably looks most like me. Ha! (But it's NOT me....it's some random picture from Stock Photography-type sites)...

I am tired.

I want a massage followed by a very long nap.

Mother's Day sucked. I did get semi-breakfast in bed (DH respected the diet and fixed me appropriately boring food) but no gift! NO FREAKING GIFT. I wish I could tell men all over that Mother's Day is kind of like Judgement Day once a year for Momma. It says how you think how we did all year. Apparently, I suck. Because I didn't get anything. Not a damn thing.

Father's Day is gonna suck, too.

I am moody. And in a rut, I am wallowing and I want some comfort. Damn it, I want familiar foods. I want to go sit at Chili's and inhale some nachos. But I can't. And more importantly, I won't.

I have been consistently working out. 6 out of the last 7 days have found me at the gym. (I had to take one day off to allow my body to rest). Overall, I feel good. I hope it's working. Who can tell under the layers of flab..........?

How do I feel? Like quitting. Like this is not going to work. It's the devil inside of me, shouting down what I know is good for me. It's that fat lazy bitch, sitting on top of the younger looking, healthy babe that is inside of me.

I will keep going. Even when it hurts. Even when those nachos whisper my name as I drive past Chili's.

Good news is I actually LIKE going to the gym. It feels good to put me first. I first felt selfish. Not so much anymore. Let the family wait. They won't starve. I am important, too.

Take that, ya f'ing Nachos!!

PS, Suzie, don't get mad but I am still stuck at the same weight....Am I burning fat and building muscle at the same time...? I am not weighing until next week and I'm gonna hit it hard EVERY DAY until then. Pray I don't cheat......)

I can do this.....I CAN! I WILL.....

ugh....

What's in a fast-food burger

Dear Suzie...

How can they cram so much crap into a "burger", so many CHEMICALS, and it still tastes so damn good? Tell me please!!

car wreck

Dear Suzie Girl....

I work in a field where I deal with car crash victims frequently.

And I tell them that the soreness will be at its peak on Day 4.

Yesterday was MY Day 4.

And my body is the wreck in question....

I AM SOOOO FREAKIN' SORE.

(But I will not quit.)

Today we worked on abs. I was doing those crunches thinking of ways to kill that trainer.

She had the nerve enough to tell me, "Oh, I don't even work out." I could have done my ironing on her stomach....

Tomorrow, I am considering signing up for a weekend Beginner Yoga class.

That statement alone is something I thought I would NEVER say.

Never say never, people.

I remain determined and focused. Even though I hurt all over, I am feeling good overall. I know it's working. I even bought new workout clothes today at KOHL'S (my 2nd home).

Tonight, I have to go to some work crap with my husband, deal with the asshats that he works with. I will be surrounded by chicken wings, fried snack and COKE. I have to stay strong. I don't HAVE TO eat that, but I am so going to WANT it.

stuck....

Dear Suzie....

I am a little pissed off. Well, that's a lie. I am REALLY pissed off.
I am busting my ass.
Literally and figuratively.
And my scale has not budged in two days.

CRAP!

I have been eating lean meats, so many veggies that I might turn into one.....and I have been EXERCISING, for God's sake....

CRAP!

Okay, deep breath....I am whining. But I am mad. And I am going to take that energy and channel it into transforming myself into a healthy woman. I am not quitting. And I am damn sure not gonna eat the donut that I am dreamed of last night.

exercide

oh dear Suzie girl......
Wanna know something? It's not exercise.

It's EXERCIDE.....death by fitness.

Got a totally different trainer today.

He made me sweat.

Like they do on The Biggest Loser Tv Show...

OH.MY.GOD.

I am not going to be able to move tomorrow. My husband can forget sex until this soreness goes away. I mean SERIOUSLY, how long does it take for your muscles to stop freaking out?

Monday and Tuesday, I did back, abs and legs.

Today I did shoulders, arms and back.

My limbs were SHAKING.

The whole time I am sweating it out, I am thinking about my husband. And my kids.

AND THE NEW FREAKING WARDROBE I AM SOOOOO GONNA BUY!

Then I came home and ate my healthy lunch while bonding with my DVR.

I finally watched last week's Biggest Loser......and I cried the whole way through it.

Those people inspire me. Truly.

I can do this. I am hollering it: I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Anyone wanna bet who's gonna win: I am betting Tara, but I would like to see Mike win, too. Helen would be a long-shot. I do NOT want Ron to win. He bothers me.

Now, I have to make something for dinner. I wish I could go live on the Ranch.

I would totally pick Jillian. She scares me, but I would come out looking like a freakin' MACHINE.

Dinner......ugh. Chicken again.
FOCUS ON YOUR GOALS!

today's jackass is brough to you by McDonald's

I saw this and thought, "What a jackass..."

Man says he lost 15 pounds eating just McDonald's food

Watch it and see if you agree.

#1 He consulted McDonald's....(I'd bet he was compensated)

#2 He did an HOUR of cardio everyday?? That alone would shake off weight.

#3 it just pisses me off. Really.....

I think it's criminal for ABC News to promote this guy like he's doing something healthy.

McDonald's is evil. Look at the people who eat there (for the record, I didn't eat there even before getting healthier....their food gives me diarrhea. I know, TMI, just offering some truth...)

I won't rant right now because I am tired from working out and NOT eating crap food.

I don't wanna.....

Okay, I'll admit: Today, I am whiney.

I don't wanna work out.

I want to sit on the couch and watch TV while the house is perfectly quiet.

I am so freaking tired from working out that I have a backlog on my DVR..

(Ironically, one of the shows in my backlog is Biggest Loser On Nbc...HA!)

See what I mean? WHINING...

I will go work out.

I will get off the couch.

I will NOT go by Dunkin Donuts.

I was amazed yesterday. I had to run one of the offspring by a friend's house and I was so excited when they called because it takes me to a part of a town that I rarely go to.

I was excited because every time I go that way, I go to this EVIL BAKERY. (Seriously, the baker guy is similar to the Soup Nazi...)

Then I realized, I was just like an addict, itching for the next fix.
Except mine is sugar, butter and flour.

It's as this point that I wanna YELL...but I just look at those naked pictures of myself and it centers me again. (Which is gross, let me tell you. Unless you're a SuperModel or a Yoga instructor, I'm convinced that very few people look really good naked.....)

Okay, I'm done whining. I'm gonna get it done...but damn, I don't WANNA.

a good article

As I become healthier, I am reading labels like never before.

Have you ever actually RESEARCHED what's on your label?

US FDA/CFSAN: How to Understand and Use the Nutrition Facts Label

It's VERY enlightening. The part of I learned alot from is The Serving Size .

I mean seriously, I went to the cabinet and pulled out a cereal I used to eat (I love me some Frosted Flakes, and they have NO NUTRITIVE VALUE, I'd might as well eat ice cream for breakfast...) and I fixed myself what my used-to-eat portion size.

I gulped REALLY hard when I realized that I was eating 4 TIMES the recommended portion. And I would often eat 2 bowls! Which means I was eating 8 portions for breakfast and sometimes snacking when I would get where I was going in the morning....

Jeez, no wonder I am a porker.

Well, I am not a full-fledged PORKER.

I'd like to think I'm one step above chubby......

What's qualification class is that?

Word to the wise, people: READ YOUR LABELS. You'll learn something new, I promise.

Also, here's another good article:

"The Fine Print: What's Really in a Lot of 'Healthy' Foods" [Wall Street Journal]

Now, I am off to the gym to be tortured. And to think I am paying someone to cause me pain. I love it. It's the masochist in me!

damn bread

Dear Suzie........

I just want to go on record saying that this morning, while fixing my boring breakfast, I stared down a loaf of bread. I swear it.....

I stared at it until the MASSIVE craving to dive into it passed.

All I wanted to do is slather it with butter and eat....

Instead, I took my camera into the bathroom and took nude pictures of myself.

(How's THAT for a non sequitar...eh?)

I did that so in 2 months, I will be able to look back and say "HELL YES!! I did it!!"

I just thought you guys needed to know that.

Love,

Me, the FAT girl....but not for long...

it's just fat.....

Dear Suzie...




CRAP!!! I am riddled with cravings today. Most people have sassy, sexy dreams. Well, some do. Last night, I dreamed of pasta...PASTA....Who dreams about pasta....? Apparently I do.


But Suzie girl, I feel good. Cravings and general whining aside, I feel good.

Damn, I'm sore from exercising. I can move. I can do this.


Okay, remember yesterday I promised we were gonna talk about the "No-No zone".....I'm really gonna share. (prepare yourself for TMI, folks)......My husband and I have been forever. There is nothing he doesn't know about me. He has seen every scar, every flaw, every bump, every roll on my body. BUT STILL I don't like for him to touch me in certain areas. Let's go over those, shall we? ('Cause I know y'all are eager to know.....)

• I had to have a c-section with one of our kids and I have that oh-so-lovely flap of Mom skin. It's like someone stook two feet in front of me, pulled my stomach skin out as far as possible then sewed beneath it and let it go. What the hell???? THIS is the badge of motherhood??? I HATE IT. And I hate it even more when my husband touches it. I mean, I flip out when he touches me. I stretch and scoot and re-position myself so he won't touch it. That's so not fair to him. After all, I made the damn kid WITH HIM. I get mad at him if he touches me there. Just how stupid is that?


Another spot is my hips. I used to love when he'd grab my hips. Now I freeze, holding my breath (as if holding my breath will suck in 40# of flab???)

This behavior is not good. It's unfair to my wonderful seriously-too-sexy husband. I should just DEAL WITH IT. I guess it's because IN MY HEAD, I don't look like that. My reality and what's in my head are not in sych.

Well, a reality check is the scale and a full length mirror.
And me naked.

Oh dear Suzie, it's just not pretty. In any way. I hate what pregnancy has done to my body. But shit, let's face it: my youngest child is a THIRD GRADER. I have long since given up the right to call it "baby fat". It's just FAT now...

I am still enjoying eating. Overall, all things considered, I don't feel like I am STARVING. I am giving my body what it needs, instead of WHAT I WANT. But my wants and changing....

Look at this way,

THIS

will get me to this :)

I also decided that if I make my GOAL WEIGHT (of 145, wishing for 140 but I am tempering my wishes with reality...and that killer who calls himself a trainer agrees that 140 might be tough on me....), that I will treat myself to an hour long HOT ROCKS MASSAGE (which I would love to get for Mother's Day, but NO ONE will realize this....)

I think massages are the freaking BOMB. My husband has no clue how much he could please me with his amazing strong hands and a bottle of lotion. I am so easy to please.
MASSAGE your way to my heart please.

Now, I have a date with a glass of water and a hot bath. I ache. My will is strong, even if my body is not.

oh dear God..

Dear Suzie........

Sorry for not posting.

It's not like anyone actually reading.

But I am doing this for accountability sake....

I went to the gym today.

HOLY CRAP, am I out of shape?

Unless round is a shape.

I have lost 6.5# in one week, now weighing in at 162 even. My BMI is 29% and get this, my BODY FAT is 36%....36 freakin %, folks.

I am apparently made of Crisco and marshmallow.

That lil trainer dude, who I could snap in half, was gentle with me. Yeah right.

I ache.

But as I was sweating, lifting the weight of my own flabby arms, I was saying my children's names over and over. I want to be around to be a grandma. It all starts now.

I am not a quitter.

I am not giving up.

My health is important.

I am staying the course.

I can do this.

But I might have to kill that trainer dude. He actually was cool. He gave me permission to call him an asshole. You gotta love a guy with THAT much of a sense of humor.

Cheats: I have not cheated. I have been true to the Fat Flush . It has not been that day. I thought I was going to barf when one of my kids had McDonald's today. All I have to do is replay "SuperSize Me" in my head....

I am not a quitter.....

Tomorrow: we'll talk about the "No-No Zone"....you know what I am talking about? That area of a women's body that she doesn't wanna be touched.....Oh, yeah. let's talk about it.

ugh

Dear Suzie,

I am having a shitty day. Fighting with my husband. One of my kids is one inch closer to the curb. I am MAD that I cannot eat some damn donuts.

Good news though: I am down 6 pounds. 24 more to go. I can do this. I totally can do this.

I am feeling low though. And I want to find my comfort in the botttom of a bowl of ice cream. Much like an alcoholic wants to find his answer in a bottle.

DAMN!! This is tough. I am very moody.

I watched some of "SuperSize Me" on Hulu. Do you know about Hulu? It's the reason I don't vaccuum more frequently....

Hulu - Watch your favorites. Anytime. For free.

I love being able to watch shows from my chair. But frankly, I should get off my butt more.....

I can do this...I totally can.

oh dear Suzie girl....

Hi everyone...

Once again, I am talking to myself..but this time for the whole wide world to see. Or read, as the case may be. I am writing to myself. For myself. For my own entertainment. So when I realize my goal, I can come back and look and say "Damn girl, you did it!!"

I don't mind if you read here, too. Maybe you'll learn something about me. I'm just an ordinary person. With an ordinary life. In fact, the things I go through probably repeat themselves in 1,000's of households all over our US of A. I am a statistic. How so? Well, I am one of the bazillion people in the US who is overweight. Shocking, I Know. This society of me, me, me has led us to be People of Chunk. Myself included. from CDCP: Percent of noninstitutionalized adults age 20 years and over who are overweight or obese: 66% (Source: NHANES data on the Prevalence of Overweight and Obesity Among Adults-United States, 2003-2004)

How much chunk? That is the million dollar question. (ADD moment: I wish someone would say me a million dollar to be SUPER healthy. I totally would do it!)

How much do I weigh? I hate this question. I have avoided it as slong as I have avoided the fact that pants are too tight. Shit, I don't want to answer, but Suzie girl, we gotta face facts. It al started when I saw a video of myself. Crap, did I look fat? I did. And video does not lie. The first thing I thought is,"No wonder my husband's sex drive plummeted. He has to screw THAT?"

(I warned ya...very personal stuff here...)

So I decided we'll go on a diet. He agreed to do it with me. But he's a man and can fart and lose 3#. Women, we have hormones and stuff and more hormones. So it takes us longer and it's harder. But we're doing this together, he and I. Let me tell ya: my husband is every bit of the hottest man you've ever seen. He really is. He is tall, broad shoulder and oh my, he's just yummy. Luckily, he's about the only thing I can eat and not gain weight.

Anyhow, I weighed myself. On the first day of my period. When all I can think of is Dairy Queen, crunchy chips, cheeseburgers and anything deep fat fried. What the hell was I thinking? A diet on Day 1? INSANE. But I did it. I weighed myself.

a whopping 168. (I should also mention that I am 5'3" in height....) At this weight, I look short and wide. If I were a storage container, those would be great stats. But I am a reasonably attractive, mostly healthy 40 year old WOMAN. My BMI is teetering. I am a 29 right now...and that's all I can think about. Even more so that Cheetoes. You wanna know YOUR BMI? Go here: Calculate your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator

What diet did I choose? ....The Fat Flush Plan For Accelerated Weight Loss.....and it's TOUGH. Well, that's a lie. I just don't want to DO IT. But it worked last time (until me and the Sexy Man gave up, and I put on EVERY stinking pound again...)

So I am proud to say, Suzie Girl, that we have survived Week 1 of the Diet. I am down 4.8#, can I just round up and say 5#? My mind just works better with whole numbers. Week one is hard on me...It's actually PHASE 1...I call it hell. Phase 1 is the 'toughest' stage of the program and has been labled 'bootcamp'. It is first and foremost a cleansing program to facilitate weight loss by giving the liver support and nourishment. It basically means I give up most food that has taste and end up so freakin' hungry that ANYTHING would taste good....

But I wanna be healthy, right?

My goal weight is 135. I am 30# away from that. I look at that and say, "Shit, I am NEVER gonna make it." But I can think that, or look at these 5 pounds, and say "You rock, Momma! You're off to a great start!" (I tend to be negative and then go eat a pie...)

So Suzie, here we go. Onto healthiness and eventual hotness.
Whatever way this goes, you gotta love yourself. Love ya, Suzie.....

(personal note: photos used in blog posts ARE NOT ACTUALLY ME. They are stock photos. I have to anonymous and all myserious-like. My kids are techno-nerds and I don't want them to find me online....)